TIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel like falling sick, maybe just a light fever or bad flu will do. At least I can have a rest for one or two days and makes me forget everything that has happened this month for a while, and maybe after that I can have a recovery.

Leadership course, Chemistry Project, English Remedial, my bad scores, him, my aunt's death, the rejection of my novel, being scolded by my CCA teacher for skipping my CCA three times in a row (it's not my fault! The project is on Thursday, and I can't skip it!), what else? Oh yeah, my ex - boyfriend wants me again, I almost snapped my back at camp in Malaysia...feels like God hates me this month.

On top of it, today he made me sure that he doesn't have any feelin' for me. He didn't say it literally, but I know it was ME. And it hurts, really hurts. But I'll never be able to blame him, as he never mention my name when he said it.

He said he won't hurt me anymore, but I don't think he EVER hurts me. All he said is predictable. That he won't give his heart for me. That I'm NOTHING compared with him. That I'm not in his "level"...he said this during class today.

I think I've reached a point where I have to admit this. That I've been lost even before this battle has begun. That my mind has been eaten by my belief that I'm the loser. And I will always be the loser...

There will be no Janji Suci for me, there will be no Tonight for me, there will be no more sharing earpiece...Those things have already been a piece of memory even before it happened. And it seems like I have to tear that piece and shatter it into the sea...

Always like this...

And I'm back to the old me, a girl who always scares to face the morning that comes. Scares when thinking about what will I face in the morning. Is it happiness or dull morning? I think I've been recovered after these seven months, but the fact is I didn't even take a little step at all.

Suddenly the night comes pick me up from the loneliness. But when morning comes, I know that you're not beside me. And here I am, still waiting for you endlessly...

Now I go home, back to the place where I belong, and admitting my lost. I accept it, althought it really hurts for me, but I know that you'll not be for me. Yeah...even I know that you'll NEVER be here for me...

Just...never...